The Shitterie

Doc = the more literary branch of forum.

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DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance to actual persons or events in the
following is completely and utterly unintentional.

Code Slingers the Musical
Act 2, Scene 3

Abandon the Expendable

Setting:   The conference room.  The employees are mulling about, confused and frightened.  Pictures of the Venture Capitalists flash on a screen against the back wall.  Bulleted list are posted on the other walls: The Dos and Don’ts of Change,  Re-engineer your job to fit the Organization’s Goals.

Snobahl:

As you have just been told,
the company has been sold.
Which will mean….er…. some changes,

From your friendly, caring HR department...

I know you have a lot of questions,
which I cannot answer now,
But we have a handy website, With lots of Q and A
Ask us any questions,
We’ll respond without delay!
We’ve got a good team in place,
So there’s no need for fear,
Just trust in the system,
Trust in the system!
And it will be soon be clear,

Woodruff, a shy tech writer:

Where am I on your list,
Of the company’s worst and best?
Will I get an offer,
Or shown the door,
To join the ever growing ranks of the poor?
Underneath the bridges,
Trolling the street,
Wrapped in smelly blankets
Even in the heat.

Calling up old colleagues,
Begging for a chance,
Borrowing from mom and dad,
Just to keep the ranch.

Will I get an offer,
Or shown the door,
To join the ever growing ranks,
Of the poor.

Snobahl:

We’ve got a good team in place
So there’s no reason to fear.
Keep your eye on ball,
Your shoulder to the wheel,
It’s business as usual!
No matter how you feel!

The powerpoint screen goes blank.  Snobahl exits the stage.

Employees muttering repeatedly:

Will we get an offer,
Or shown the door,
To join the ever growing ranks,
Of the poor.

Woodruff runs to his desk and begins madly typing. TexAnnie, a tall athletic blond rips the bulleted lists from the walls and tears them to shreds:

TexAnnie:

This is complete corporate bullshit!
Read this garbage:

Don’t Fail to Abandon the Expendable…
Do re-engineer your job to fit the organization’s goals…

They’re about to f**king lay us all off and they feeding us this bull!

Woodruff:

TexAnnie gets her man!

Their grammar is appalling.
‘Don’t Fail to Abandon to the Expendable.’
The Expendable…wait a minute … Is that me?

TexAnnie:

Don’t think about it.
Hey!  I know what we need!
A bike ride!  Yes sirree..

Woodruff:  

I must look busy now, Annie, go away!
I’ve got so much to do.|
So much, so much – how can I do it all
in a day?

TexAnnie:  

You fool.  Can’t you see?
They’ve already decided.
You’re either in or out.

Woodruff:  

Too busy, too busy, too busy,
Can’t you see?
To give in to any of your frivolity
How can they let go of a lad like me,
Who works so hard and endlessly?

TexAnnie picks up the edge of her skirt and throws it over his head.  Everyone gasps.  He stops typing.  After a few minutes of shocked silence  she removes her skirt from his head.

Woodruff, choking and flushed:

What was that for?

TexAnnie, chuckling:

Hell!  That’s how we quiet skittish horses in Texas!
Throw blankets over their heads.
I guess it works for tech writers too!
Come on Woody, follow me and be free,
At least for an hour or two or three
Don’t spend your day sitting on your rear
For life is short and much too dear.

Follow me to the hills
where we’ll feel the breeze,
as we whiz through the trees.
Follow me and we’ll be free
from all this goddamn, stupid, idiotic … shitterie!