A Great Big Severance Package

Let's get all our ducks lined up so we can kill them with one stone.
-- shiloh 

The following email was undoubtedly the result of a complaint.  Too many instances of the word “fuck” used in emails, in the halls and conference rooms.  This was before the phases “hostile workplace” and “sexual harassment” became a part of corporate lexicons. I have no idea who wrote it although I could venture a few guesses.

CodeSlingers the Musical
Act 2, Scene 4

Setting:  Rows of empty cubes.  Enter the Venture Capitalists

VC 1:
Where is everyone?

VC 2:
They went a bike ride.

VC 3

The CodeSlingers enter, see the VCs and hide behind a giant clapboard.

"They've got a good plan in place so there's no need to fear. Just trust in the system! Trust in the system and it will soon be clear... as mud!"

VC 1:
But for our plan to work…
We need just one thing…
The cooperation of the Code Slingers.

VC 2:
Oh, they’ll come through,
What’s not to like?
A second house,
a brand new spouse,
a fancy set of wheels.

And what do they have to do?
Sign and take the money.
Sign and walk away.
Sign and never work another day.

VC 3:
But when they find out…

VC 2:
Find out what?

VC 3:
What we plan to do with the others.

VC 1:
But we’re offering jobs to the redundants.

VC 2:
Jobs in Pocatello, Idaho!
At a smidgen of their pay,
No healthcare or 401K,
And might I point out…
Jobs that don’t exist!
At a company,
That doesn’t exist.
Jobs, to which, you better hope and pray,
they’ll say Nah!

They exit and the CodeSlingers emerge.

I have no illusions of sainthood,
But this I know,
Friends will suffer,
When we go.
Unless they accept a bogus offer
In the frozen north,
They’ll leave here with nothing,
What’s that worth?
Sure I’d like to spend all my time,
On the beaches of Mazatlan,
Enjoying endless sunsets,
No time sheets to submit,
No endless, useless meetings.
But they’d be left with nothing
And what’s that worth?

Tex Annie bursts upon the scene followed by her pack of obvious admirers all shedding
bike gear.

Hey Slingers.  Back from the site? We must have passed SAT?

JP, sighing:
Elbow to elbow with Sol,
We got no sleep at all…

Yeah! The system’s been accepted!
Bonuses are coming soon…

Not to be the voice of doom,
But you forget, my dear,
Our future’s quite unclear.
Some of us they’ll decide to keep,
The rest, thrown upon a heap

Lonely Site Engineer, on his knees praying:
Oh please, Mr. VCs
I’m on my knees
I’ve worked here seven years
Known heartbreak – a bad performance review!  [the others moan]
And many tears,
It would only be kindly,
Not to treat me blindly
And give me what I need…
A great big severance package,
A week’s pay for every year!
Cobra coverage and my pension indeed,
Is not too much to ask for
It’s only what I need.

Employees singing together:
A great big severance package,
A week’s pay for every year!
Cobra coverage and pensions indeed,
Is not too much to ask for,
It’s only what we need!
Oh, wouldn’t it be lovely
Wouldn’t it be grand,
Oh, I’m very sure that it’s
Part of their big plan.

JP to Rambler:
We should tell them…

Not yet.  I have a plan that will take care of both them, and us.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: