Chili Peppers

I came to TFS in the fall of 1990 from a wealthy enclave of mostly housewives. So, it was quite a delight to encounter the women of TFS. Bold women, sassy women, stunt pilots, carnivale dancers, jazz singers, adventurers with stories to tell of the Galapagos, Australia and Africa, hoot and holler, ass-kicking, take it to the sun ladies. Ladies not afraid of a little bawdiness and mischief.  Note these limericks from Texas Sue Whodoyoudo:

I once fell in love with an Englishman,
 His tongue was the thing that distinguished him,
 A man among men
 He managed to win my heart,
 the damned cunning linguist-an.
That solid young man Scott the Rock,
 In search of the key to his lock,
 Will soon float to France,
 But wait! there's a chance,
 What he's lost, he could find in his sock.
 

_______________________________________

Scene 2 from Code Slingers is based on actual events from which no email was saved…(although I do have a list of the 11 pepper eating contest winners)

Scene 2:  Outside the office of Sol, the leader of the Code Slingers

Alma and Krista Bell-Bell, Sol’s secretaries, are facing the audience.  Alma is typing on her keyboard while Krista hums as she works on her nails.  Beyond the reception area the audience can plainly see Sol, his feet propped on the desk, leaning back in his chair snoring loudly.

Alma notices the time and gasps.  She runs into Sol’s office, laughing when she sees him sleeping, a loud belly laugh which wakes him up.

Alma

It’s eight fifteen.  You’ll be late for your meeting with Snobahl.

Sol (jumping to his feet.  He’s a wiry man with a fading hairline and beard that needs trimming):

Sheee-it!

Alma:

You’ve got to go.  You can’t let the Slingers handle it themselves.  

Sol

Shit no.  You’re right.  (Grumbling he passes Alma’s desk, noticing a three foot stack of paper and pointing at it with distain.) Alma – haven’t you burnt all those f**king, stupid, useless memos from Snobahl yet?

He keeps sending me over memos about things I f**king invented!!!  Things I f**king invented, Alma!  And this one is a f**king reprint of an article I sent him three months ago!

(He laughs sardonically, shaking his head as he sweeps the whole pile into the garbage can with one arm)

And besides, I wasn’t sleeping; I just had my eyes closed, thinking!

Alma

Thinking and snoring?

Sol, (breaking into song)

There’s no bleeping need for sleep!
Why should there bleeping be?
If you have any doubts,
Just take a look at me!
I only need four hours,
From eleven to three,
Enough to keep the missus
From yelling at me.
At three AM you see
Everything comes to me,
I pick up the phone and start to call
All my programmers, short and tall,
“Get up you lazy butts
I’ve got a great new plan,
That’s bound to bring us lots of bucks
Enough to fill ten thousand trucks!
Don’t give me that ‘I need to sleep jive,’
Just meet me at the office at a quarter to five…AM!

Oh yeah…
There’s no bleeping need for sleep,
Why should there bleeping be?
If you have any doubts,
just take a look at me.

Alma and Krista:

Oh yeah…
There’s no bleeping need for sleep!
No need at all,
If you have any doubts,
Just take a look at Sol!  

Sol:

Bleeping idiots who spend their lives bed,
Will never, ever, ever, ever get ahead!
Sleeping and snoring, sleeping and snoring,
How bleeping boring!
Cause I’ve got a great new plan
That’s bound to bring us lots of bucks
Enough to fill ten thousand trucks!
Unless you want to lie in bed,
With silly dreams filling your silly head,
Rise up at three and get to work like me…
There’s no bleeping need for sleep!
Why should there bleeping be!
If you have any doubts,
Just take a look at me!  

(He exits stage right. Alma returns to her desk.  She has a large basket full of peppers of different sizes and colors on her desk.)

Alma

Take a look at these peppers Krista Bell-Bell!  I grew them myself.  

Krista:

Are they hot?

Alma:

Oh, yeah.  Hey… I have an idea!  

Krista:

Oh no.  I’m afraid to ask.

Alma:

Yeah.  We’ll have a contest – oh yes, a chili pepper eating contest.  We’ll sort the men from the boys!  Oh yeah.  (she pauses) Look who’s coming now.  Ha! Watch this Krista Bell-Bell.

(Sawyer Banks enters.  He’s an over-muscled man with a Jersey accent.  He swaggers up to Alma’s desk, buttons straining to keep all his muscles in)

Sawyer:

Morning ladies.  What are you two foxes up to?

Alma, calmly:

You’re late for your meeting.  He’s gone.

Sawyer:

Oh, yeah.  Why’s Sol so pissed off that he ordered me in at such an ungodly hour?

Alma:

Apparently someone at Union Bank can read code well enough to have taken offense with the comments you put in the transport code.

Krista innocently:

What are code comments?

Sawyer, condescendingly:

To put it simply, dear,  code comments are clues left by programmers to help other programmers decipher their code, the more complicated the code, the more help junior programmers need. 

Alma:

Yes, but no one needs to know about your menage-a-trios with two former lesbians.  

Sawyer, laughing:

It’s called advertising – some of those operators at Union Bank are hot.  Besides, I can’t help it if it’s true.   I make love almost as good as I code.  Just ask any of my lovely ladies.  

There’s Sally on the second floor,
Louise in Des Moines,
Barbara and Trudy – twins who swing both ways,
if you know what I mean.

Alma and Krista wince.

Sawyer, breaking into song:

I’m a lover with a brain,
A rare thing indeed,
A man’s man through and through
And the best of the breed.
I know the others hate me
Because I’m not a Nerd!
But a true man who can program,
As well as lift weights,
And even has the balance
To in-line skate!
I’m not like all those other Nerds,
Who can’t get laid,
Unless they’re with the kind of broad,
Who must get paid,
I’ve got them coming out my ears,
Cousins, Twins, and Sisters
Aunts, Friends and Mothers,
Oh yes and even some of those others.
Cause, I’m a lover with a brain,
A rare thing indeed,
A man’s man through and through
And the goddamned best of the breed!

Krista’s mouth falls open. Alma, a mischievous glint in her eyes, picks up her basket and sashays towards him:

Alma:

Oh yeah.  Well, then you need one of my peppers.

Sawyer:

Peppers?

Alma:

To give you that extra voom.  Like oysters only ten times more potent.  If you know what I mean.  Tell me, are you a pepper eater or not? A real man or a boy?

Men need chili peppers
To grow hair on their chest,
Manly chili peppers,
My home-grown are the best

The small ones are the sweetest
Would this face ever lie?
Just try this little red one
Just try this little red one
It will not make you cry.

Men need chili peppers
To grow hair on their chest,
Manly chili peppers,
My home-grown are the best

Sawyer:

Well, I dunno.  Aren’t they awfully hot?

Krista Bell-Bell:

Look. (She picks up a large one and takes a bite) No problem!

Alma, laughing:

Krista Bell-Bell!  You’re such a manly lady!

The small ones are the sweetest,
Would this face ever lie,
The small ones are so yummy,
They will not make you cry.

Alma and Krista suggestively:

Chili, Chili Peppers,
Chili, Chili Peppers,
Chili, Chili Peppers,
We’ll give you the best,
To make you a manly man.

Better than the rest,
Get your Chili Peppers,
Get your Chili Peppers;

Get your Chili Peppers,
Chili, Chili Peppers,
Chili, Chili Peppers.

Sawyer takes a tentative bite of the smallest chili pepper and then confidently pops the rest into his mouth, chewing until his face turns bright red and he begins gasping.

Sawyer, running off the stage:

Water! Water!  

Alma, watching his run away:

What a nerd!

A nerd who thinks big muscles
Will make him look more manly
To all the silly women
Who are simply eye candy,
Is really just a muscled nerd
And there is nothing more absurd,
More absurd, more absurd
Than an over muscled nerd.
No, indeedeeeeee!!!

Chili, Chili Peppers, Chili, Chili Peppers.

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