Site Acceptance Testing
Smile, it's the customer! (what's Mike reaching for?)
Code Slingers
ACT 2 Scene 1
Site Acceptance Testing
Setting: The computer facility at Bailout Bank, 1:00 am in the morning. The Lonely Site Engineer is hunched over a lit computer screen – on both sides of the stage in the shadows, are bank employees who can’t work because of the system’s off-line. Code Slingers JP and Rambler enter cautiously under the glare of the employees.
Rambler to Lonely Site Engineer (LSE) quietly:
How’s it going?
We heard there was a slight problem
LSE:
Well, ahh, ahh
JP good-naturedly:
Don’t give us the ahh-ahhs,
You cowardly weasel! Confess!
The system’s a dog! A dog I say,
it’s all over but the crying!!
LSE with a hang dog expression:
They say we won’t make it,
They say we are doomed,
We’ll never pass SAT
And that is where we’re at.
Site Acceptance Testing,
Is driving us insane,
We’ve been on site forever
But what have we gained?
Our lovers have left us,
Because we’re never there,
The grass is dying,
The gardener doesn’t care!
The customer is yelling,
We don’t know what to do,
But we’ll just keep on trying.
It’s a Code Slinger’s Waterloo.
Bank Employees, grumbling on the side lines:
Code Slingers, bloody Code Slingers,
Think they walk on water,
Making much more money,
Than they really oughtta.
In at 10 and out by 2 each day,
Making more than four times my pay!
Rambler to LSE, trying to ignore the restless bank employees:
Let’s see the error logs.
No Joel, smile all you want. I'm sleeping in Madonna's bed!
He sits down next to LSE:
The logs will show us what we really need to know,
Fatal errors, timeouts, and endless loops,
Of programs in trouble
because some process poops
The logs never lie.
Though people often do,
A computer really only does,
What you tell it to.
Rambler, JP and LSE (as they read through the logs):
The logs never lie,
Though people often do,
A computer really only does,
What you tell it to.
A computer really only does.
Finally they see something and jump to their feet.
JP:
I don’t believe it.
We’ve been had.
The slimy, no-good, low down weasels.
Rambler:
Unbelievable,
Wait till Sol finds out.
LSE:
Sol? He’s here?
Rambler:
Yup, smooth-talking the VPs,
But that’s about to change…
Sol runs into the room:
I’m here to help, boys!!
Rambler:
Speaking of the devil
Sol:
I promised Mueller we’d have the system up by five!
So scoot over there Rambler,
we’ll work elbow to f**ing elbow through the night,
until we get the bloody thing just right!
Just like we did before,
In the golden days of yore.
Rambler and JP groaning:
The golden days of yore?
No sleep,
No food,
No fresh air,
No SEX!
Those golden days of yore?
Sol, ignoring them:
So, what have we learned boys?
Rambler:
Remember the un-interruptible power supply,
the one Mueller promised would protect the system.
JP:
In case of earthquake,
in case of fire.
Rambler:
In case of….lightening,
Or alien sighting?
Sol pauses to grasp their meaning:
No…
Rambler:
A complete lost of power to all the servers.
Probably a lightening strike.
Sol:
Motherf**king cheap sons of bitches lied to me!
Get Mueller on the phone.
Meanwhile, Rambler, what’s the plan?
Rambler:
Check all the hard drives,
replace those that fried.
Start the servers up again,
and hope God is on our side.
LSE:
All the servers?
JP:
Every last one.
Elbow to elbow with Sol,
There’ll be no sleep at all.
Just like it was before,
In the fun-filled days of yore.
Next week: The Tech Writers make their debut!
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