Stampede

And now, a plea from your sponsor!

I'm on top of things, really, honest. Give me a call

We’re looking for the story promised by the following  “Coming Attractions.”

I’ve been assured it is quite hilarious.

If you have it, please let me know. Next time I get to it — Site Acceptance Testing: The Code Slingers save the day (with photos!)

__________________________________________________

From TFS.COM! robink Thu Jul 27 10:52:38 1995

Subject: Coming Attractions….

See!  Vast, UNSPOILED, SAVAGE Nature (in LiberVision!) !!

See!  Death defying Heroics!

See!  Unwise Saddling decisions!

See!  Robin RISK HIS LIFE to save the horse he loves and the Woman he likes!

Hear!  The Thunder of Hooves during a WILD HORSE STAMPEDE!

Smell!  The chocking dust!

Watch! A young and innocent horse experience his BASIC INSTINCTS for the…VERY FIRST TIME!

Cringe! As you see Carol SAIL THROUUGH THE AIR!

Cheer!  As you see Carol rub her bruised, if not seriously damaged, bum!

Laugh!  When you hear Robink say he’ll DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW!

****CAROL AND ROBIN’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE:  STAMPEDE!!!*****

____________________________________

Code Slingers, the Musical 

Act 1, Scene 3 Exit Plan

Note from Jan:  I was sitting in my cube, waiting to get laid off at another company (not TFS) when one of the company’s elite scientists told me all about his very generous retention bonus, bemoaning the fact that it would have been bigger if the company had been sold to a group of venture capitalists who planned to lay off more than the 30% projected to lose their jobs, benefits and health care the next day.  He (elite scientist) wanted to know if I had an “exit plan.”

Setting: Conference room surrounded by giant whiteboards covered with formulas and yellow stickies. The VP (Snobahl) and three Mitt Romney clones are waiting as the Code Slingers enter.

Snobahl:

Didn’t you get the memo that I sent?  The meeting was set for 8:00 am not 8:30!  Where’s Sol?

JP, turning to leave:

I’ll go get him.

Snobahl, grabbing him by the shirt:

Oh no, JP.  You not getting out of the meeting that easily.  We’ll start without him.

Ahem.  Let’s begin.
As you may have already guessed,
For profits have been shrinking,
We no longer fit
Into the corporate portfolio
And so, they’ve decided,
That it’s time for us to go,
For a pretty penny and a huge pile of stock,
We’ve been sold to the company down the block
And so on that note, and without further adieu,
These venture capitalists would like to speak to you.

JP (aside to the Slingers)

I smell a slimy, no good rat
Or maybe two or three,
Oh I want the rest of my life off with pay
Not in a few years
But starting today.

Romneys:

What is it we seek, dear sirs,
What is it that we need,
It’s not a great big lease,
Or more mouths to feed,
It’s not a working product,
Or a brand new brand,
Oh, no. Oh no!
Our plan is much more grand.
We have a shiny vision, of profits yet to come
One that will keep our competitors – always on the run,
It’s a grand plan, with a positive ROI,
And about the bottom lie you’ll find we never, never lie!

Marco to Rambler (aside)

What’s ROI?

Rambler

Return on Investment
Money in…
must be returned,
in spades or else (he simulates slashing his throat.)
Positive ROI means money has been well invested,
only a few layoffs necessary – to maximize management bonuses, of course.
Negative ROI…

Oh my.
Very bad indeed.
The Christmas party will be a pot-luck affair,
for whoever’s still around.
The rest of us,
Will be in the human pound.

Sol storms into the room:

You started without me?

Snobahl:

Sol, these are the….

Sol:

I know who they are.  Don’t let me interrupt you.  Go ahead.

Snobahl to the CodeSlingers:

Ahh….um….the venture capitalists are particularly interested in Oprizema!
The operating system you’re working on.
The one Sol claims will leave Linux in the dust.

JP (aside to the Slingers):

Oh, I’m a corporate slave
As happy as can be.
For a great big pile of cash,
You can have a piece of me.

Snobahl hears him this time:

What was that, JP?  Did you have something to say?

JP, stammering:

Nothing meaningful.  Nothing at all.  Really!  Trust me.
I just want the rest of my life off,
with pay.
As I have nothing,
nothing meaningful to say.

Snobahl:

Heh,

So, as I was saying,
Oprizema will be nothing,
If you walk out the door.
And so, here’s their offer…
for just a couple of years,
Nothing more..
Just a small chunk of your life,
hardly more than a slice,
for which you’ll find the reimbursement
More than nice.

Rambler

Spell it out if you can,
If your mind contains something more,
Than corporate jargon,
Mission statements and slogans… what a bore!

Snobahl

A retention plan!
A great big pile of cash
In return for which,
You can’t walk out the door.
At least, until…

Rambler:

The technology is obsolete.

Marco

Well, ahh, will everyone get one?

Romney1

Well you see, it’s a percentage call, resources versus demand.

Romney2

A bottom-line decision, supported by the facts, well within the lines of good business sense.

Marco:

In other words, no.

Snobahl:

But, we do have a compassionate plan for the redundants.

Malcolm:  

Redundants?

Romney1:

Those people we don’t need.
The people we don’t want,
They got to understand,
They really, really should have had ..an exit plan

Rambler:

An exit plan?

Romneys:

An updated resume,
Contacts, far and wide
And – a lot of luck on your side
You better not be too old,
Or sick, or hard to understand,
And as we really shouldn’t say,
It’s best to be a man.
An exit plan,
An exit plan,
The way to beat the rap
That you should have known was coming
You should have known was coming,
If you’d been really smart

.
But, we’re not totally without a soul…
We have a compassionate plan,
For those who do not fit,
They will be offered other jobs,
Unless they choose to quit.
We’re a kindly company
With goodness in our hearts,
However we must make a buck,
No matter who we fuck

What is it that we seek from you dear sirs,
What is it that we need,
It’s not a great big lease,
Or more mouths to feed,
It’s not a working product,
Or a brand new brand,
Oh, no. Oh no!
Our plan is much more grand.
We have a shiny vision, of profits yet to come
One that will keep our competitors always on the run,
It’s a grand plan, with a positive ROI,
And about the bottom lie you’ll find we never, never lie!

Krista Bell runs into the room, flushed and red-faced:

Code Red at Union Bank!
The site is down,
dead…
stone cold in the water…

It’s horrible, awful, nothing to be done.
Oh my, oh my, oh my!!
We must send the Code Slingers on the run!

Snobahl, stupidly:

A Code Red?

Krista Bell Bell and the Code Slingers to Snobahl:

The software has gone funny,
And you know what that means,
The bank can’t count its money,
and our man at site…
is on his knees!!!

(The Code Slingers turn  to leave.)

Snobahl blocking their way:

You can’t leave, no way, no how
The venture capitalists need their answer now

Sol:  

Listen, Snow Ball.
The bank can’t count its money,
The engineer’s on his knees,
The customer will be screaming soon,
You should know what that means!

Rambler, leaning into Snobahl’s face:

Bank can’t count its money….

Sol:

The site engineer’s on his knees….

JP:

The customer will be screaming soon….

Snobahl gasps;

The customer will be screaming soon?

JP, Sol, Rambler:

Yes!!!

Snobahl, moving out of their way:

I do know what that means.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: